Have you ever tried to negotiate one of your bills? Heating bills, garbage bills, cell phone bills, and cable TV bills: you might think that a bill is a bill and you owe the full amount but sometimes you can talk your way into a discount.

I have the $70.00 a month for 1000 minutes plan with one of the major cell phone companies. I have never gone over in minutes in several years so it was a total shock when my bill one month was $235.00! Apparently I had gone over my allotted minutes by almost 500 and that resulted in the $165.00 being added to the bill.

Well, I was upset that I went over that much and also that the phone company would stick me for so much. I mean, I know we signed a contract and all but thats a pretty hefty phone bill when you know the minutes don’t mean a thing to them.

In the past I had briefly talked about switching companies and I thought this was a perfect time to call my cell phone company up to see just how loyal they were.

I got on the line with the customer service guy and explained the situation: this was a one time deal, we had never gone over before, and so on. I asked if there was anything he could do for me. He put me on hold and came back saying that they could knock $30.00 off the bill. I told him that $30.00 was OK but I was hoping for more and I reminded him that we had been with them for a long time. He put me on hold again to go talk to his manager and this time he came back and said they could take 50% off the extra $165.00 which amounted to $82.50.

For some reason I didn’t want to take that offer either. I don’t know why but maybe because I smelled weakness. I knew the next level up plan was $100.00 for 2000 minutes and if I had had that plan I would have not gone over. I then said that I was hoping to have them “pretend” I had that higher plan just for that month and that they would take off $135.00.

The guy on the phone would have none of that and said his hands were tied and the 50% off the charges was the best they could do: final offer. I then told/asked him politely that there were many cell phone companies and I thought they would want my business. He countered with “we do want your business but you signed a contract so I don’t even understand why you are trying to get a discount”. I told him I did sign a contract and I would pay the charges but I was also seriously considering changing companies afterwards.

“Let me transfer you to my manager” he immediately said. The manager then came on and was all nice and asked me exactly what I wanted. I told him that I wanted to pay $100.00 out of the $235.00 thus essentially “moving up” to the higher plan for just that one month. I told him that I wanted to stay with his company and that if he did that for me I would not change.

He didn’t agree to it right away but in the end he could see that I was determined and meant it. He did give in and I ended up paying only $100.00 out of the $235.00! The normal person probably would have gladly taken the $82.50 that the customer service guy offered but I was, as the manager said, determined. Not a bad payoff I must say for about 15 minutes of work!

Please go to my website http://dayjobnuker.com/ to read about more ways I make and save money.

For most inventors, getting their invention sold on store shelves is the realization of a dream come true. Something they conceptualized and worked tirelessly to bring into being is now available before the eyes of a mass market. Their brainchild sits on shelves next to established and cherished products. What could be better than that? However, there are some pros and cons when it comes to selling an invention on store shelves. In addition, there is a sequence of steps that inventors should follow if getting in the door of major retailers is what they aspire to.

Usually, you cannot get in the door of major retailers right away. Not if you are a new or unproven inventor. However, you can probably get in the door sooner than you think.

In an article called “Selling to Retail Stores” on BusinessKnowHow.com, retail consultant Allen Zell offered tips and advice on doing this. One of his offerings was strikingly clear.

“Whether one realizes it or not, selling to department stores can be a boon or a bust . . . heaven or hell.”
By “department stores”, Zell means places like Sears, Target, Penny’s, Costco, and Wal-Mart, which are some of the prime targets for inventors. It rarely occurs to them that having their product in front of all those eyes could ever, conceivably, be bad! So how does one tell whether their decision to sell there will be a boon or a bust?

According to Zell, inventors are probably better off sticking with small chains at first. The reason for this is that the bigger a chain is, the harder the bargain they will drive when it comes to negotiating terms and discounts. Because of their size and brand name these stores believe they are free to dictate terms to inventors and product developers, and they often get their way. Bigger chains such as those named above are also extremely risk-averse when it comes to what they will sell on their shelves. As Zell explains, “they look to likes that are well established in their industry or merchandise category.” This is so the store itself has to do very little promotion or advertising for the products they sell, since this weight is carried by the suppliers themselves.

The flip side? You guessed it: big chain stores often put the burden of advertising and promotion on new and unproven suppliers: such as inventors of new products. The bottom line for inventors is that selling to Wal-Mart and Target right away could mean huge promotion costs that they never bargained for. For this reason, inventors will have far more success if they start by getting their products on the shelves of smaller chain stores, who are less demanding and more willing to assist them in getting the word out.

A major part of selling your invention on store shelves, no matter how big the chain, is pleasing a store’s buyers. These are the people who have authority to decide which new products a store will sell. Typically, inventors and product developers will meet with buyers, make their pitch, and wait for the buyer to decide whether the store will sell their wares. One big concern for buyers is whether the supplier (that is, the inventor in this case) can supply enough of their product to meet demand in the stores. For this reason, you should consider this carefully and have a convincing answer of how you will keep up to give to the buyer. As Zell notes, one of any buyer’s responsibilities is to spend their firm’s money as efficiently as possible, so if they seem to probe you about your productive capacities, they are simply doing their jobs.

Another possible opening into stores big and small is the use of reps. Reps are people who pro-actively approach stores and pitch them to sell various products. If a store agrees, the rep gets a commission of however many products the store buys to stock its shelves with. This is an excellent option for inventors, who may not be business savvy enough to get their products on store shelves through their own efforts. Instead, they should make a list of some stores they would like to sell in. Then, they should approach these stores and ask them who the best reps are that call on them to buy new products. You want to get their names and phone numbers. The next step is to interview them and see if the other lines they have could lead to them getting your product on the shelves. According to Zell, “[reps] are your best bet for getting into all types of stores both large and small, that is their profession. And lastly, don’t begrudge the commission you pay them. Without them, you wouldn’t have the exposure or sales you’re enjoying.”

In closing, you should proceed cautiously but confidently into the realm of selling your invention on store shelves. By starting with reps and small chains and working your way up to bigger ones as success dictates it, you will be putting your product on a path to sales growth.

Eric Corl is the President of Idea Buyer LLC, a marketplace for new technology and products that gives inventors the opportunity to showcase their intellectual property to consumer product companies, entrepreneurs, retailers and manufacturers. EricCorl@IdeaBuyer.com or http://www.ideabuyer.com

The reality of any negotiation is that it is an exercise in psychology. Realistic market factors play their role, but final decisions are usually made based on perception. How the seller perceives you, the investor, will influence the deal. Here are some tactics to tip the scales in your favor.

Successful negotiators are always one of two things: extraordinarily prepared, or really good at conveying the impression that they are prepared. The problem with the latter is that the bottom can drop out. Even good actors can run out of tricks when they aren’t completely prepared. You don’t want the other person involved in the deal to see you bluffing.

The best way to avoid this is to simply be more prepared than the other person. Know everything about the area, type of property, similar properties, prices, and market fluctuations. Do your homework. That way, you can come into the situation confidently. The minute you waffle is the minute someone else gets the upper hand.

The next link in the chain is to ask about what you don’t know. Coerce the opposing party into divulging any information that can be useful to you in your negotiation. This is one of the best ways to break down the fortress to get to your best deal. Bombarding someone with questions is unnerving. You don’t want to make them so uncomfortable that they choose to step away, so pull back before they do and come at the negotiation from a different angle.

Essential questions to ask are those that uncover the true motivation of the seller. This requires a little more tiptoeing than some other situations because offending the other party will kill the deal. However, in order to form the situation to your advantage, you’ve got to understand what the seller wants.

Successful real estate investors know that you’ve got to purchase from motivated sellers. Sellers who are simply toying with the market aren’t going to give you the best deal and will waste your time. Find out before you get too involved in the negotiation process if the other party is truly interested in selling the property.

Be firm. Be in control of the situation but not overbearing. Come across as too overbearing and you will appear the opposite of in control. Strike a fine balance. Choose your words carefully and actively. Avoid being passive. State what is going to happen.

Know the value of a good silence. This can be applied at any time, but it takes a good instinct to know when. Use silence to your advantage. When the other party has shot back with a demand or an offer that is outside of your preference, be silent. Allow them to feel a bit doubtful, ill at ease. If they have to second guess their own tactics, you are already gaining an upper hand.

Learn from the best. Seek out someone you trust who knows their stuff and see how they operate. The most successful property investors know you don’t learn negotiation tactics simply by reading about them. Negotiation is a skill best learned by observation. Observe their mannerisms and pay close attention to what is said and what is left out of the conversation. Use what you see as a basis for how you operate. Model, but don’t imitate. If you act in a way that is foreign to you, it becomes very obvious.

Practice negotiating in your everyday life. This doesn’t mean you have to haggle with a gas station attendant. Negotiation isn’t just getting your way. It is the skill to convince. Try it out with members of your family or during discussions on the job. Remember to be perceptive and study the psychology of others around you. If you can sense what they want, it can always be used to your advantage.

Daniel Lock is a property coach, consultant and development manager. Offering results-driven coaching and consulting to people wanting to make money through property development. Find out how you can make serious money safely in Property Development at http://PropertyDevelopmentProfits.com/blog/

If you are the kind of person with a million ideas and not enough time to pursue them, you might want to consider “fast tracking” your invention to market. In this way, you essentially become a hired gun. You, the inventor, perform the tasks of researching and developing the product. Then, you “outsource” the manufacturing and marketing to partners with money. Those partners will develop, market, and fund the startup costs. In return for their greater efforts, they will receive a greater return. The benefit to you, however, is that this is one of the quickest ways to bring a product to market and exit with cash in hand. If you are a serial inventor, this can be a great way to build up some cash and move on from one idea to the next.

The best way to get the ball rolling is to find an angel investor, ie, a private person with personal wealth and the skills necessary to fast track your invention. The INC website has a comprehensive directory of angel investors. Using it, you can locate investors in specific areas, with specific skill sets, and find one that is sure to meet your fast-tracking needs.
Once you have found an investor, the next thing you will do is determine how profits will be split and who is responsible for what. Typically, you will be the one researching and creating the product in question. If it was your idea, this is only logical. You should make it your business to know the market inside and out and formulate a product that can be profitably sold in it. Then, you want to create a prototype for it. Since the extent of your responsibility is creating the product, it makes sense to do this as quickly as possible. Then, responsibility shifts to the investor to put up the funds and get the product to market.

In his landmark text “The Time Trap”, Alec Mackenzie stresses that the single most effective way to get more done in less time is writing a list of things you are going to do that day. It sounds simple – and it is – but it takes a high level of discipline to actually put it into practice. Accordingly, this is an excellent way of ensuring that you develop your prototype as quickly as possible. Not a day should go by when you are not doing something to advance this goal.

When you finally do have your prototype ready, you should waste no time hitting the market. How can you do this? The best way is to use a tried and true formula: start with smaller stores, build a track record of success, and use this as leverage to get into bigger outlets. An article on Business Know How imparts a very specific strategy that you can use to get your product to market in a short period of time. Here is the course of action recommended:

“This is where reps come in. They have had to change their ways of working. It used to be that they would spend the majority of their time with the big chains. The little guys got whatever time was left over. In some cases, reps would use sub-reps to call on the little stores. Well, it ain’t that way today. Some big firms such as Wal-Mart say that due to their volume they don’t need the rep to call on them and they want the commission usually paid to the rep for themselves. That means that reps have to look for other ways to make money. They do this by two methods: One, call on smaller retailers and call on them more often; two, take on lines that the smaller retailers are looking for.

“So, as a supplier to the retail market, seek out the reps. Ask some stores that might be potential candidates for your line who they believe is the best rep that calls on them. Interview several reps, see what other lines they have that would cause them to call on the same type of firm you believe your goods could go into. They are your best bet for getting into all types of stores both large and small, that is their profession.”

For the best results, you can have your investor start working on this while you are creating your prototype. Optimally, you can do these tasks side-by-side, wasting as little time as possible and getting to launch as fast as you can. If this is not possible, you should at least begin this process as soon as the prototype is ready. When it comes to fast tracking, time is obviously of the essence.

If you work smart and work quick, you should be able to fast track your invention in no time!

Eric Corl is the President of Idea Buyer LLC, a marketplace for new technology and products that gives inventors the opportunity to showcase their intellectual property to consumer product companies, entrepreneurs, retailers and manufacturers. EricCorl@IdeaBuyer.com or http://www.ideabuyer.com

All inventors have, at one time or another, pined for “the right people.” Be they investors, programmers, distributors, writers, architects, butchers, bakers, or candlestick makers, personnel is a crucial ingredient to the success of any invention. But getting the right people behind your invention is a road more easily mapped than traveled. In this article, we’ll walk you through finding and keeping the personnel you need to make your invention a hit. The task can essentially be divided into two categories: investors, and everybody else.

Investors (and how big a slice of future profits to give up for any personnel)

Some inventors are so desperate for investment capital or key personnel that they offer irrationally high percentages of future profits for those people to come aboard. In addition to advertising your desperation, this is a mistake for standard business reasons. John T. Reed, Harvard Business School graduate and real estate guru, explains why:

“At Harvard Business School, one of the lessons we learned was that one’s cost of capital was an indication of one’s competence as a businessperson. To put it briefly, if you are paying 50% interest or 50% of your profits to your silent partners, you are an incompetent businessman. Some successful investors would protest that was how they got their start. I don’t doubt it. I know some of them. But it was still a dumb move and the investors in question are lucky such terms did not blow up in their face and ruin their reputations before they got started.”

If you are a competent, accomplished person in your area of expertise, you should not be giving up half of your future profits for an investor to fund you. The same goes for other personnel you need. Unfortunately, many naive or beginning inventors fall into this trap because they lack startup capital or believe they must do whatever it takes to attract X person to their operation.

Instead, use a different approach. The best route is normally to forgo outside investors altogether and bootstrap your invention with savings or small loans from friends or relatives. However, if this cannot be done, you should approach investors after you have a proof-of-concept of your invention. If at all possible, you should try to get some cash flow going before seeking outside capital. Try to drum up some kind of sales or progress with whatever you have accomplished so far. The website Anti Venture Capital explains why this helps you to attract investors later:

Pretend for a moment that you are a venture capitalist or angel investor. Two founders visit you about separate deals. You ask them each what progress they have made in the 3 or 6 months that they have been working on their respective projects.

* One entrepreneur answers that he has been able to finish his business plan as well as find a means to generate cashflow which is being used to move the main project further along. Now he needs more money to fully capitalize on this developing opportunity.

* The other entrepreneur can only point to the “great” business plan he’s polished to perfection over the past 6 months and the “great” opportunity lying before him.

Which entrepreneur would you be more impressed by if you were the investor?

This demonstrates that you have something tangible. It also lets you keep your dignity when negotiating terms rather than begging them to accept half of your future profits.

Professionals with special skill sets

Of course, inventors don’t just need money to get their invention off the ground. They also need people with certain special skills to create the invention in the first place. So how do you bring such people into the fold?

The most common response is to promise the personnel in question a share of future profits. While this is acceptable practice (as long as it is not an egregiously high amount as discussed earlier), it is not the most effective way, either. The most effective way to get the right people behind your invention is to pay them to help you.

Not the answer you were looking for? Well, look at it from a realistic standpoint. Pretend that you are an experienced professional with a valuable skill. (If you are inventing things, you probably are such a person.) Now pretend that someone you don’t know is asking you to work on a project you’ve never heard of. That by itself is probably enough to make you a little uncertain. But then, to top it all off, they ask you to work for free, with no base pay, on the hopes that it someday pays off and you can collect when it does. At this point, your well-honed skepticism should kick in and dissuade you from doing the deal. Your time is simply too valuable.

However, imagine a different scenario. The inventor explains his idea to you in a way that sounds persuasive and enticing, and also offers to pay you! It might not be a huge amount, or even what you could get at a salaried job someplace else. But the sheer fact that you will be compensated for your labor will, naturally, make you more confident about the project and being a part of it. When a person sees someone put his own sweat, blood, and tears into something, it just feels easier to trust them.

Therefore, you should either save some money or use a small loan from friends or family to pay the personnel you want. Of course, you can still sweeten the deal by promising them future equity in addition to their base.
When you have some money saved up, it is time to place ads for the personnel you need. The industry you are in will dictate exactly how to go about doing this. If you are creating a new kind of garden hose, for example, you might want to advertise for engineers in a lawn and garden trade journal or magazine. You might try help-wanted ads in the paper, or even Internet resources like Craigslist.

The idea is to offer something of tangible value to the people you want. This will go a long way toward getting the right people behind your invention.

Eric Corl is the President of Idea Buyer LLC, a marketplace for new technology and products that gives inventors the opportunity to showcase their intellectual property to consumer product companies, entrepreneurs, retailers and manufacturers. EricCorl@IdeaBuyer.com or http://www.ideabuyer.com

Conflicts are inevitable, but the more we know about human nature, the better we will be at resolving conflicts, and the better the outcome might be for both parties.

We know that different people have different priorities and different styles in dealing with situations that may occur, but in general, human beings have certain characteristics that are very similar – even across gender, racial, and socio-economic lines.

People love to be agreed with.
People hate to be disagreed with.
People like other people who agree with them.
People dislike other people who disagree with them.
People who are good at resolving conflicts look for some point of agreement and use good people skills to get others to see a different point of view.

So if we know that when we disagree with people, we are likely to raise resentment, it might be a good idea to strengthen our soft-skills – our people skills – when dealing with conflicts or potential conflicts. If we find ourselves in a tense situation, and we raise our voice, the other party is likely to respond in kind. This will usually escalate the situation quickly. Understanding this human nature is one of the first and most important steps in anger management.

Below are SEVEN tips for avoiding and ultimately managing and resolving conflicts.

1. Be proactive instead of reactive. Good plans shape good decisions. That’s why good planning helps to make elusive dreams come true. -Lester R. Bittel

2. Be slow to anger-especially over petty issues. Anger is always more harmful than the insult that caused it. -Chinese Proverb

3. Instead of telling people they are wrong, point out mistakes indirectly. A person convinced against his will is of the same opinion still. -Samuel Butler

4. Look for some type of common ground as soon as possible. A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece. -Ludwig Erhard

5. If you find that you are in the wrong, admit it. It’s easier to eat crow while it is still warm. -Dan Heist

6. Admit one of your own poor decisions before pointing out a similar error by others. A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying… that he is wiser today than he was yesterday. -Alexander Pope, from Miscellanies by Jonathan Swift

7. Mend fences whenever possible. Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it forgoes revenge, and dares forgive an injury. -E.H. Chapin

Then of course if they do not call you back after you have considered and acted upon these tips, chances are you might have to examine and figure out the best plan on action to bridge the gap between levels of consciousness.

Marcia Granger creates life and passion at work so that her clients face rush hour or gridlock with a smile. Her clients are buzzing and have only one question – “how much joy can I stand?” Want joy in your life? Visit us at http://wwww.megamorphose.com

Conflicts are a normal part of life. We interact with so many different people in so many different situations that we’re bound to run into difficulties.

A conflict is a disagreement where those involved feel that they are somehow being threatened. It could be that they perceive a threat to their way of thinking, their interests, position, possessions – anything that they hold of value. Because of this, even though a conflict is a disagreement, it can be emotionally fueled.

The most effective conflict resolution is one in which you get what you want while helping the other party get what he wants. It sounds contradictory, but it’s really not.

When you negotiate to secure your wants and take into account the wants of your counterpart, he will be more likely to work with you and help you achieve your goals. At the same time, he’s less likely to feel defensive, aggressive or confrontational.

Effective conflict resolution requires good negotiating skills. Good negotiating skills require practice and thought. While there are many factors to consider when entering into a negotiation, let’s start by looking at four overarching elements of effective negotiation to resolve conflict:

1. Know what you want and/or need.
This may seem obvious, but sometimes we enter into a negotiation knowing sort of what we want, but not specifically.

The point of negotiating is to secure what it is that you want, or get as close to it as possible. When you know what that is, write it down and be clear. State why you want it. This is your starting point.

It’s also good to recognize what isn’t as important to you. There may be something that you’d be willing to give up as part of the negotiation. Create a priority scale that outlines the most important to least important needs so you know your “want parameters.”

2. Know what the other person wants and/or needs.
Like you, the person you’re negotiating with has their own wants. Discuss what they’re looking to accomplish from the negotiation and listen carefully.

3. Discuss and clarify.
Discuss which points you agree on and to what extent. Determine which goals, relative to the negotiation, that you both have in common.

Define and talk about all issues or concerns. It can be a daunting task to try to deal with all issues at once, so list all issues, prioritize them, and approach them one by one.

Through discussion, you’ll both have a better understanding of one another. This will help you create a mutually acceptable agreement.

4. Work together towards an agreement.
It’s important to work as a team to create an agreement because all parties need to have ownership of it and the responsibility for it. This kind of collaboration results in an agreement that responds to both parties’ wants and needs.

Take some time to consider what you can do for your counterpart to help him secure what he’s negotiating for. This doesn’t mean acquiescing what you want. Chances are, however, that if you’re willing to help your counterpart get what he wants, he’ll be more likely to help you get what you want.

Above all, make sure that the agreement is:
fair
realistic
doable
clear
understandable.

In addition, the agreement should:
outline roles and responsibilities with enough detail that everyone understands their part and can take action
have a timeline, if relevant.

While there are many other factors to establish an environment for effective negotiation, these four steps provide a solid foundation for good negotiation and conflict resolution.

Laurie Wilhelm is the author of Express Yourself to Success. This website and eGuides help you achieve success faster by using strong verbal communications skills: social and interpersonal skills, public speaking, networking, negotiation, conflict resolution. http://www.expressyourselftosuccess.com.

Don’t want to speak up to the bully yet? Too scared? Too unsure? Don’t worry. There’s actually something you can say that’s not quite a comeback, but it’s not just “taking it” either. It’s called, “Parroting.” You don’t have to feel brave or sure of yourself to do this.

When someone bullies you, either at work, home or school, you just state what happened, or what she said, in a question, without making a judgment about it. This technique allows you to speak up enough so you show the bully you noticed a criticism or a slur, but requires very little courage to pull off. You merely parrot what she just said back to her. Here’s an example.

Your Boss Has Nit-Picked Alot Lately
You’re collating and binding multiple folders. It’s a process that your boss, Jan, normally pays no ttention to. She has never timed anyone else’s work, because everyone, including you, always does this quickly. You’ve noticed she has been nit-picking you for little things for several months, and you’ve never said anything to her about it. You’ve hoped she would stop on her own. And besides, it’s not “that bad.” Maybe she’s been having trouble with her husband or her kids, and it has nothing to do with you. (By the way, these explanations to ourselves only allow bullying to continue.) Today, you finish in your usual amount of time. But Jan decides to criticize you.

Now, She’s Openly Critical, You Use “Parrotting”
“That took you an awful long time. You’re going to have to pick up your pace around here.”

That’s unfair, you think. I’ll try what I read in Abbey’s article the other day.

“I’m taking too long? And I’m going to have to pick up my pace?” You look at her emotionless without confronting or backing down either.

“Yeah, just try to speed it up a little.”

She Could Get Madder
Meanwhile, she sees that you “notice” she’s being critical, and are mildly taking issue with it. She could get madder and escalate her criticizing, that happens sometimes. You can always excuse yourself from her presence if it does.

The other thing that she could do is make a snide comment about an echo. You maintain your passive stance with a simple, “No echo.”

But Mostly “Parrotting” Works
But more often than not,when you parrot back what she’s saying, it’s not necessarily challenging to her. Why? In her own mind, she’s not being that critical of you. To her, there’s nothing wrong with her words. In fact, she may feel she’s hiding her distaste for you rather well. Hearing them back may not sound all that bad to her. It’s the fact that you repeat what she said, not her words, that give her notification you may not quite agree with what she said. It throws her off a little, if it doesn’t completely stop her.

She back pedals a bit, “Just so you know, for future reference.”

It may not stop her completely. But you’ll have registered your objection for her benefit … and for yours.

What Are the Benefits to You?
So, what are the benefits to you for doing it this way? First, it shows her you’re not a doormat who will take anything she dishes out. Repeating what she says is both gentle and noticeable. It may discourage more bullying … a little. A little is better than no discouragement.

Second, it requires very little thinking on your part. You just use her words verbatim as a question back to her. Very simple to do. You don’t have to be the least bit creative. You don’t have to memorize a comeback. The bully hands you what to say when she puts you down. It’s right there for you to turn back on her
with a question.

Third, and most important, you don’t feel like a doormat. In fact, you feel pretty good. It feels good to register your opinion, no matter how subtle. It may leave you longing for more of that powerful feeling when you do assert yourself. You may like the way you feel so much that you’ll want to speak up more.

Keep Using It
You can use “Parroting,” over and over to repeat the high you get from just saying something back. It does work well. And it’s appropriate for almost any bullying scenario. You’ll think to yourself that you’re not accomplishing that much as you say it,
because it’s not big or dramatic. No one cries, or feels bad. But just watch the bullies ease off. Every little bit helps.

Stop Workplace Bullying. Discover How to Speak Up to Save Your Job and Your Dignity. Visit http://www.BullyBlaster.com and sign up for a free Stop the Bullies newsletter.
While there, get the ebook everyone’s raving about, Bully Blaster: How I Stopped the Bullying, and You Can Too.

Communicating with others is an essential skill in business dealings, family affairs, and romantic relationships, and is an essential part of any personal development effort. Do you often find yourself misunderstanding others? Do you have difficulty getting your point across clearly? When it comes to communication, what you say and what you don’t say are equally important. Being a good listener is quite crucial.

In my quest to become a better communicator, I came across a few things I will have to overcome before I succeed:

Challenge 1

Listen more carefully and responsively. Listen first and acknowledge what you hear, even if you don’t agree with it, before expressing your experience or point of view. In order to get more of your conversation partner’s attention in tense situations, pay attention first: listen and give a brief restatement of what you have heard (especially feelings) before you express your own needs or position. The kind of listening recommended here separates acknowledging from approving or agreeing.

Challenge 2

Explain your conversational intent and invite consent. In order to help your conversation partner cooperate with you and to reduce possible misunderstandings, start important conversations by inviting your conversation partner to join you in the specific kind of conversation you want to have. The more the conversation is going to mean to you, the more important it is for your conversation partner to understand the big picture. Many successful communicators begin special conversations with a preface that goes something like: “I would like to talk with you for a few minutes about [subject matter]. When would be a good time?” The exercise for this step will encourage you to expand your list of possible conversations and to practice starting a wide variety of them.

Challenge 3

Express yourself more clearly and completely. Slow down and give your listeners more information about what you are experiencing by using a wide range of “I-statements.” One way to help get more of your listener’s empathy is to express more of the five basic dimensions of your experience: Here is an example using one of the five main “I-messages” identified by various researchers over the past half century: What are you seeing, hearing or otherwise sensing?/ “When I saw the dishes in the sink…”

Challenge 4

Translate your (and other people’s) complaints and criticisms into specific requests, and explain your requests. In order to get more cooperation from others, whenever possible ask for what you want by using specific, action-oriented, positive language rather than by using generalizations, “why’s” ,”don’ts” or “somebody should’s.” Help your listeners comply by explaining your requests with a “so that…”, “it would help me to… if you would…” or “in order to…” Also, when you are receiving criticism and complaints from others, translate and restate the complaints as action requests. ….”).

Challenge 5

Ask questions more “openendedly” and more creatively. “Openendedly…”:
In order to coordinate our life and work with the lives and work of other people, we all need to know more of what other people are feeling and thinking, wanting and planning. But our usual “yes/no” questions actually tend to shut people up rather than opening them up. In order to encourage your conversation partners to share more of their thoughts and feelings, ask “open-ended” rather than “yes/no” questions. Open-ended questions allow for a wide range of responses. For example, asking “How did you like that food/movie /speech/doctor/etc.?” will evoke a more detailed response than “Did you like it?” (which could be answered with a simple “yes” or “no”). In the first part of Challenge Five we explore asking a wide range of open-ended questions.

Challenge 6

Express more appreciation.

To build more satisfying relationships with the people around you, express more appreciation, delight, affirmation, encouragement and gratitude. Because life continually requires us to attend to problems and breakdowns, it gets very easy to see in life only what is broken and needs fixing. But satisfying relationships (and a happy life) require us to notice and respond to what is delightful, excellent, enjoyable, to work well done, to food well cooked, etc. It is appreciation that makes a relationship strong enough to accommodate differences and disagreements. Thinkers and researchers in several different fields have reached similar conclusions about this: healthy relationships need a core of mutual appreciation.

Copyright 2006 http://www.BurstCreativity.com
Alexander Tretjakov
Personal Development Blog and Unconventional Thinking University
Author of MiWay Time Management System
Get this e-book FREE at:

http://burstcreativity.com/freetimemanagementsystem.htm

What would you have done in the following circumstance? Here’s a scenario a client of mine told me about. She wasn’t happy with the way she’d handled it and wanted my input.

Beverly’s Dilemna – Everyone in the office, from the boss down was taking “shots” at Beverly. The supervisor, Joan, regularly denied her requests for lunch breaks when she wanted them. Instead she would make Beverly go after everyone else took theirs. She was so intimidated that she never left the office for lunch anymore. She ate at her desk to avoid the critical “face” and words from Joan. None of the other workers were required to check in or out with Joan.

Along with this, Joan nit-picked at Beverly’s performance on the job, often complaining to the other workers about her. Beverly was as competent as anyone else, and made mistakes just like the others, yet Joan gossiped about her.

The Stage Was Set – So the boss made it clear to everyone Beverly was less of a person than everyone else, with questionable judgement. Her attitude set the stage for other bullies there to step up and bully her as well. Debbie was a bully known for her Jeckle and Hyde, one minute she’s your best friend, the next, she’s ripping you apart-type of bully.

Debbie Bullies By Excluding – So Debbie stepped in to bully Beverly one lunch time. There were six women with desks adjacent to each other. Debbie and Beverly were among them.

Debbie wanted to order lunch out, so she proceeded to quietly take orders from everyone except Beverly. Beverly kept her head down, as if she was looking through her files for something. She felt shocked and hurt Debbie would go to these lengths to exclude her.

Debbie quietly collected money from the other women and Beverly pretended not to notice.You could have heard a pin drop.

When lunch arrived, Beverly left to heat up the lunch she brought from home. She didn’t want to suffer further humiliation by watching the others eat. The rest of the afternoon, she had a painful, sour stomach.

What Would You Have Done? Would you have known what to do, and then been able to do it?

Here are some ideas:

1) First, her boss has no business gossiping to Beverly’s coworkers about her. At any hint of it, she needs to ask her boss not to do this. She can ask her boss to come directly to her with any grievances about her. It gives her boss a chance to air what’s on her mind, and gives Beverly an opportunity to explain herself. In private. She has the right to ask for that.

2) Beverly needs to politely, calmly ask her boss why she’s the only one who has to report to her about her lunch schedule. No one else does. Why the discrepancy?

3) And last, but not least, when the group tries to exclude her next time, she needs to speak up and show that she notices, and makes a decision about whether or not she wants to join the activity. She doesn’t let them exclude her. For example, next time something like this happens, she might say, “Oh, you’re taking orders for take-out. I’d order, but I brought my lunch today.” And be as uninvolved as she can possibly muster. Or, “I see you’re taking orders for lunch. Could I order too?” Or, “Great! I was wondering what I was going to eat for lunch today. I’d like to order too.”

The downside of piping up like this is it may cause some eye rolling to try to further discourage her. But between the two options a) of hurting from some eye rolling, and b) hurting from the bully being successful at excluding her, the first one is by far, less traumatic. It also plants in the bully’s mind that she didn’t get away with her malicious trick that time. And may not the next time either. It gets her thinking.

Sometimes in a bullying situation, there’s no perfect answer. But there are often better ways than others to handle it.

Stop Workplace Bullying. Discover How to Speak Up to Save Your Job and Your Dignity. Visit http://www.BullyBlaster.com and sign up for a free Stop the Bullies newsletter. While there, get the ebook everyone’s raving about, Bully Blaster: How I stopped the Bullying, and You Can Too.